Breaking Up is Simple and Clean!
by Da Silver Hair Duchess
Summary: [One Shot.] What better way to break up with the one you can't stand the most on Valentine's Day than to make a CD about how much you can't stand them? Take a leaf from Sora's book! Simple and Clean parody! Rated T for mild language.


**Silver- hair Angel**: We thought it was time that we hit you with another one. And no, we don't mean anvils or anything like that (hides the anvil behind back)

**DaDuchess**: Or maybe. Look out for random flying objects when you are walking…

**Silver- hair Angel**: This is a one-shot. One of many one shots. One of many one shots that we will shoot at you, one by one. It's called wetting your palette so when we move off of the one-shots, you won't think that our stories will suck as bad.

**DaDuchess**: And if you think they suck now, keep it to yourself. No, really, don't tell us. We don't care. And if you do bother to tell us, I'll make you eat your parents.

**Silver- hair Angel**: Which is really unappetizing, because they're chock filled with lectures, complaints and stuff. Warning, they are **not** part of a good breakfast.

**DaDuchess**: Yeah, so only leave the good ones, k?

**Silver- hair Angel**: Review ya, and stick to the good old cereal and milk!

**Warning**: This story is rated for mild language. Seriously, that's it. But we're rating it T anyway. Because we can. Yeah.

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_Breaking Up is Simple and Clean!_

_By Da Silver Hair Duchess_

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Some days were meant to be dreaded. And this day was just that type day Sora was indeed dreading.

_That_ day had come again. Yes, the holiday where a person could express their undying love to their partner by buying them a cheap, wilting rose and outdated sweet tarts.

Of course… it could be no other day but Valentine's Day. And did Sora hate the holiday. He **hated **it. Hated it with a passion. Hated it with the passion of a thousand burning suns exploding in his heart. Then again, he had reason to hate it.

One word-- Yuffie.

Barely a year ago Sora had started dating Yuffie. And did he regret it. He **regretted** it. Regretted it with a passion. Regretted it with the same passion he had when he threw up all over her shredded jean skirt on their first date, filled with too much chili cheese fries and nervousness. Yes, it was **that** bad.

The chili cheese fries thing was just the appetizer. If he thought he didn't like the appetizer, the main course proved much worse. **Much** worse. Lately Yuffie had been… inseparable. Literally. She was near him all the time. Sora couldn't shake her! She was at his house all the time before **he** could get there himself! She was calling him all the time before he could even say a word to Riku on the other line. She was clogging his space! Air space, head space, thinking space… She was **everywhere**.

And Sora was a man of his space. Sora could not have Yuffie under him like his shadow all of the time. Sure, he had occasionally mentioned this annoying habit of hers on the sly. As usual, she didn't think she was smothering him. Not one bit.

For how long did he have to suffer? He didn't want to suffer anymore! So what else could he do…?

He had to ditch her! Now! Not tomorrow, today, the next day, right here and now! What else occasion was better than to break up with her on Valentine's Day?

Yuffie had already been mentally preparing herself for this wondrous day. Not only did she leave cutesy, almost sickening messages on his cell phone, "Hi sweetheart! I just wanted to tell you that tomorrow will be Valentine's Day! Looking forward to spending time with you my lovely spiky haired honey bunch!" But she had the nerve to leave another message on his phone that very Valentine's Day morning, "Hi sweetheart! Today is Valentine's Day! Are you excited! I sure am! See you in a few hours!"

To top it all off, Valentine's Day landed on a Saturday. That meant he could not avoid her in school and sneak off home, where he would see much less of her. No, he had to suffer on a weekend when she was available for suffocating, when he could not find a safe classroom to hide in or a crowded lunchroom to get lost in. Valentine's Day was going to suck extremely.

It couldn't have been ten minutes past noon. Even though Yuffie knew, she **knew** specifically that Sora slept in late on the weekends, she called him that early. At noon! Normally he didn't get up until two o' clock. But no, Yuffie just **had** to call him.

The voice on the other end could have awaken a dead man buried in Alaska.

"_HIIIIII SORA_!"

Holding his ear, wincing in pain, Sora groggily replied, "Hi, Yuffie."

"Do you know what today is?"

"Saturday?"

"You're warm!"

"A Saturday in February?"

"Yes, keep going!"

"Oh, I know! Is this the Saturday I'm supposed to shave my nana's back hair off?"

"You're getting colder…"

"Okay, I got it. This is the day I'm supposed to flirt with that girl from Hollow Bastion High. Man, she was cuuuuute!"

"**Excuse **me?"

Crap, he forgot to whom he was talking to for one wild second.

"Yuffie?" Sora asked tentatively. He heard her huff quite loudly. "Ah, you know I was kidding…"

"Okay, then! What is today?"

Sora could have sworn that he heard the Final Jeopardy music playing, he was lost as hell. The music droned on, Sora's brain cells kept dying… he even envisioned someone putting a podium in front of him, expecting him to put down his answer. And on the blue overhead he drew Yuffie's face with a mustache…

"_SORA_!"

"Huh!"

"You forgot completely, didn't you?"

Sora shifted the receiver to his shoulder and sat up. _Why? Why is she doing this to me? On a Saturday morning! Maybe if I hang up she won't notice_… Just as he was about to hang up on her, the line beeped.

"Yuffie, someone's on my other line. Hold on."

"You still haven't answered me, Sora!"

"Hold on."

"_SORA_!"

He pressed the flash button on his phone only to be greeted by the annoyed voice of Riku.

"Your little girlfriend is driving my nuts."

"Huh? What?"

"She called me last night and told me remind you that today is Valentine's Day. And this morning too."

Sora moaned. "So **that's** why she's being so stalker-ish."

"Don't tell me you forgot! And when is she not a stalker?"

"Good point," Sora mumbled, but agreeing with Riku merited him little at this point.

"Five o' clock, **five o' clock** she woke me up with her damn message. And do you know what it said?"

"Not really, but you're gonna tell me, right?"

"It said, 'Make sure Sora remembers today is Valentine's Day!' And did you?"

"Well, if we're having this conversation--"

"Sora," Riku hissed in the phone, and Sora knew right away that Riku's anger was a force to be reckoned with. "You had better get her some chocolates, flowers, I don't care if you do a little dance in a leaf for her right now, just pretend that you care a little about today, alright?"

"But, Riku--" Sora whined. "I don't want to stay with Yuffie, I want to **break up** with her!"

"W-Wait!" Riku stuttered, nearly dropping his phone. "Today? Valentine's Day?"

"If not now, when?" Sora said, sighing.

"Sora," Riku sighed, wondering why his friend was such an idiot, "I don't advise you do it today."

"Don't care," Sora said stubbornly. "You can advise me all you want. I'm doing it."

"For me getting bothered at five o' clock, you'd better make this the happiest little break up day of her life!" Riku said, completely irritated. They had the conversation, many times. Sora whining about wanting to end it with Yuffie. Why, of all days, he chose Valentine's Day, Riku couldn't begin to ponder. But someone was going to make it up to his lack of sleep, his waking up at five o' clock to hear Yuffie's annoying message. **Somebody** was going to pay those precious hours back to him.

"Okay then!" Sora said, in better spirits. "Only problem-- how will I do it?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

Click went the other line. Yuffie must have hung up and called back. Her precious powder puff-- whatever she called Sora these days-- was taking too long for her liking.

"Ugh, gotta go! I'll call you back!"

"Whatever," Riku said sourly.

As soon as Sora switched to the other phone line, he was greeted with screeches.

"_SORA! YOU DID NOT ANSWER YOUR LINE FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES! WHAT WERE YOU DOING_!"

Sora had to think on his feet. "Uh, just thinking of what to get my dumpling for Valentine's Day!"

That calmed down Yuffie drastically. "Oh, really?" she said in her sweetest voice. "Oh, I'm sorry, my little banana mush! So you **didn't** forget after all!"

Banana mush? Sora's eye was twitching like a rabbit hopped up on steroids.

"Right, my little banana cream pie," he gagged silently over the phone after forcing himself to say this, "So I'll visit you in a little while, okay?"

"Okay!" she said brightly. The phone went click again. She had finally hung up.

Sweat was forming on Sora's brow. Man, he had to think of something before Yuffie or Riku-- depending on who got him first-- was going to have his head. And he liked his head on his neck, not on somebody's wall.

Music. Music will help him relax. Reaching over his bedside table, he turned the knob and heard sweet music gush out. Whatever had been playing for the past few minutes faded out. What he heard next appealed to his ears:

_When you walk away_

_You don't hear me say_

_Please, oh baby, don't go_

Not only was the voice sugary sweet and pleasing to the ear, the words struck a chord with him, too. This wasn't a bad song at all! In fact, he liked the song so much that he actually heard it through the end.

"Simple and clean… yeah," Sora found himself humming five minutes later. He sat back and sighed. What a nice song. He'd give it to Yuffie, if he could stand her a little. That was a type of song given to someone you actually **liked**, not wanted to ditch…

… Genius. Pure genius.

The **perfect** breakup gift. Why wasn't it clear to him!

Sitting up and snatching a pen and a scrap of paper from his bedside table, he scribbled down words in one jumbled, brilliant mess. But it was brilliant. All brilliant people were sloppy. Sora just happened to be one of them.

Scanning over the words, Sora made haste to rummage around his room for a blank CD, started up the computer with alarming speed, and fished around for his recorder. Yes, this was too brilliant to be true. Too brilliant.

Three hours passed by quite fast.

The masterpiece had been created. The pieces were falling into place. Yuffie would be out of his spiky, banana mush flavored hair forever!

"Riku… you've got to come over… **now**."

"For what? To see Yuffie shower you with sloppy kisses over the gift you got her that you put no feeling whatsoever into?"

Sora opened his mouth to protest but decided not to. After all, Riku was right. As a six months anniversary present, he gave her one of his mom's stuffed animals and a box of candies he found in the cabinet. He had no idea how old they were and yet Yuffie squeezed him and proclaimed that this was the "happiest day of her life".

_I wonder how happy she'll be now? _Sora mussed to himself. He even chuckled a little to himself.

"Um, are you okay over there Sora?"

Oh. He sort of forgot that Riku was even there. Now why had he called him? The Jeopardy music crept into his head...

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

"What?"

"You okay?"

"Wait... almost..."

"What the..!"

"Oh! Come over here!"

"I don't think I should..."

"No, really, you just gotta!"

"Sora, I really don't want to see the half empty perfume bottle you're giving Yuffie--"

"Nope, it's totally better than that. Come on, you've got to hear it!"

And so, rather reluctantly, Riku marched down to Sora's house and up to Sora's pigpen of a room, where Sora awaited eagerly. An eagerness so bad it reminded Riku of a little toddler that had to wet his pants extremely bad and needed a witness to see the event.

"Okay. I'm here. What is it?"

Snatching up the CD from his computer desk, Sora shoved it into the CD-ROM and left the rest of it to the computer.

"You know that song, Simple and Clean?"

Riku, after thinking on it for a while, "Yeah, I've heard it a few times."

"Well, you'll **love** my idea. I won't have to worry about breaking up with Yuffie after she hears… this."

From the beginning to the very last syllable, Riku was transfixed in a kind of stupor, whether it was due to Sora's horrible singing, or the fact that somebody could mutate such a good song into such a harsh, yet oddly hilarious one.

"Man… that's messed up… that's **really** messed up."

"It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!" Sora exclaimed, cackling in the wake of his words.

Now all Yuffie had to do was listen to it… Soon… soon she would be no longer his banana peach cobbler apple cake, or whatever weird nickname she dubbed herself!

No more!

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Sora had remembered! Yes! Finally, her Valentine's Day present was arriving in the arms of her loved one! She simply adored her mocha frappe whipped cream slush ball! Yuffie couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend! To put it simply, he was perfection!

And there he sat on the sofa, with this big, almost too sweet smile on his face. He was dressed for the occasion, wearing a blue dress shirt and blue trouser pants. He had even combed his hair. With the tangles out of his hair, it gracefully fell behind his shoulders, making his blue eyes stand out even more. The spikes were still faintly there. Yuffie almost fell over at the site of him.

He jumped up to meet her at the door. "Yuffie, my sugar ball fruit pie! Have a seat!"

Yuffie engulfed him in a bear hug that almost threw him off balance and crushed his spine all at once.

"Sora! My dough rolled goober! You look..." She eyed him up and down with a sparkle in her eye.

"Handsome? Yeah I know. Here. Have a seat."

A little rougher than he had intended to, he grabbed Yuffie's shoulders and pushed her on the couch. Quite startled, but looking pleased all the same she smiled at Sora expectantly.

"So, I know you thought that I wouldn't get you a present," Sora said, rushing his words a little. Words couldn't express how eager he felt. No banana cream nicknames or blueberry whipped bread could possibly describe the pure eagerness he felt.

"Actually, yes I did," Yuffie said, the tone in her voice indicating that if Sora hadn't given her a gift, his limbs would be chopped off and thrown into some weird rice pudding mixture and fed to little children.

His smile twitching in the corners of his mouth, Sora plowed on. "Okaaaay… yeah, but I made you this CD."

And indeed, the crisp, freshly burned CD was right in his hands. Ready for the taking. Ready for listening.

Gah! Couldn't she hurry up and take it?

The eagerness taking over the best of him, he thrust it into her hands. Perhaps she was expecting a more extravagant gift, for her face fell quite a bit at first glance of the CD.

"This… Is this it?" Yuffie asked meekly.

"Yep!" Sora said brightly. "That's pretty much it!"

After a long, silent pause, Sora rushed her out of his house. She couldn't hear it here! At her house was the best place to listen to it, that way he was spared of the fate of objects being hurled at his head. Heavy objects. Pulling her up by his arms, he dragged Yuffie all the way to the door.

"Hope you enjoy your present! Okay? Bye!" Sora said, smiling widely while he slammed the door right in Yuffie's crestfallen face.

Nevertheless, shrugging it off, she skipped back to her house and without hesitation popped the CD into her boom box. Whatever this CD contained, it had to be good if it was all she was going to receive as a Valentine's Day gift.

Blasting the volume to the maximum, she sat back against her plush bed pillows and awaited. Instantly, the music came on.

Her ears perked up. Was that Sora singing? Well, his cuteness made up for it anyhow.

Wait... she knew this song... wasn't it Simple and Clean? How did he know that she **loved** that song?

_When you walk away_

_I can't help but say_

_Pleeeeeeeease don't come back no more_

_Sick to my stomach is the way that you're making me feeeeeel tonight_

_I'm ready to throw up_

Well, it definitely wasn't Simple and Clean...

If Yuffie was crestfallen before, she was utterly aghast up until this point. In spite of her wanting to hurl the boom box at the wall and smash it into a million pieces, she rode out the rest of the song.

_You're giving me_

_A lot of grief_

_Lately_

_Get away from me, will you please_

_I'm running out of Aleeve_

_Don't get me wrong, I hate you _

_But you think I'm really joking with you, dummy_

_Get the hell from by me befoooooore I get my gun and shoot you down_

_The cops will never ever find me_

Tears, hot angry tears stung her eyes. And yet she **still** continued to listen.

_When you walk away_

_I can't help but say_

_Pleeeeeeeease don't come back no more_

_Sick to my stomach is the way that you're making me feeeeeel tonight_

_I'm ready to throw up_

_Sick to my stomach, yeah_

_The daily things_

_Like this or that or what is what_

_That keeps your mouth running_

_Are annoying me_

_That's when you came to me and said:_

_"You don't know how much I love you, so I think we should get married right now (noooooooooooooo)_

_"And we can invite my mother and friends_

_Won't it be completely lovely?_

_And we'll have a hundred babies!"_

It wasn't just the horrible singing voice or the crappy rendition of the background music that angered her. He said **what **about her? He felt that way, about **her**?

_When you walk away_

_I can't help but say_

_Pleeeeeeeease don't come back no more_

_Sick to my stomach is the way that you're making me feeeeeel tonight_

_I'm ready to throw up_

_Kill me, somebody won't you please just end the misery_

_Don't you leave me stuck with her!_

_Regardless of warnings, I dated the stupid black haired biiiiitch_

_Now I want to die_

_Kill me, somebody won't you please just end the misery_

_Don't you leave me stuck with her!_

_Regardless of warnings, I dated the stupid black haired biiiiitch_

_Now I want to die_

Coupled together with the horrible ending notes, Yuffie was beside herself with rage at these lyrics. Before she knew it, she was bawling. Completely bawling.

Left conveniently at the very end of the song, Sora's speaking voice, in a rushed yet pleased tune, popped in, "I'm breaking up with you. Happy Valentine's Day!"

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Laughing uncontrollably at Sora's breakup song, Riku and Sora strolled down to the park. Yuffie hadn't even called him back yesterday. It **must** have worked.

"I think the ending part did it for her," Sora gasped in between his laughter.

"Don't you leave me stuck with her!" Riku burst out, laughing insanely. "Oh, that's priceless!"

Who else would happen to be in the park around that time when they were poking fun at her other than Yuffie? Sora froze.

"Oh crap, here she comes!" Sora said nervously. Spotting Sora, she marched straight into his face, looking the very picture of pisstivity.

"Uh… hi?" Sora said, at a loss for words. Yuffie could only smile sweetly in return.

"Yeah… hi!"

And she stormed away from him, tears in her eyes and the breakup CD jammed in Sora's mouth.


End file.
